The Impatient Chef Can’t Sit Still at Baseline Biscuits

The Impatient Chef and His Mustard, September 2024

The series known as "Can't Sit Still" is usually based on a single visit to a restaurant, and The Impatient Chef humbly advises readers that their mileage may vary.  This one breaks the mold a little, because this was a return visit.  

If Dear Reader will allow a peak behind the curtain of this blog, every so often The Impatient Chef needs to allow Toto to reveal the Wizard's true nature.  My name is Gary Quay, and I am The Impatient Chef.  You can visit my photographic endeavor at www.quaygang.com.  This blog started out more or less normally, but as it grew, The Impatient Chef took on more of a life of his own, and insisted on being referred to in the third person.  Perish the thought of using "I" or "me".  This informs the humor, but creates compositional challenges, one of which is how he refers to his wife.  She agreed to how this was to be done in advance.  

Baseline Biscuits is a no-frills eatery In Parkdale (on the Hood River Valley's famous Fruit Loop), which is on the doorstep of Mount Hood, Oregon’s tallest mountain. The Impatient Chef says "no frills" because it doesn't waste resources being showy, rather it lets the food do the talking.  The food has always been decent, and just adventurous enough to not be ho hum while still appealing to a wider audience.  That appeal is necessary due to Parkdale being a wee tiny, and a little off the beaten path and into the sticks.

The food: The Impatient Chef has to admit right away that he has not tried the biscuits.  That will be remedied someday, but the Spousal Unit has, and made yummy noises while cleaning the plate.  On one occasion he had the shrimp and grits, and found them to be excellent. He highly recommends them. 

  

The Biscuits and Gravy During Yummy Noises

The Impatient Chef has had the Baseline Burger on two occasions. The first time (September 2024), the restaurant had no mustard.  This was a violation of all that is holy (albeit good-naturedly so).  The idea of an East Coast lad making his way to the burger hinterlands of Oregon may have not occurred to them previously, but luckily there is a grocery store just up the street.  Burgers WILL have mustard on them.  As of Winter 2026, they have some on hand.  

The 2024 Burger with Contraband Mustard and Loaded Potato Salad.  

The burger was 1/2 pound. It came with bacon, pickle, tomato, lettuce, and an onion ring, plus their house made sauce. It's a decent burger.   It's big, and quite filling.  Again, just adventurous enough, but not top tier.  Dear Reader would not be wrong in ordering one. 

The Burger, Winter 2026 (Mustard Provided by the Establishment)

What floored The Impatient Chef was the Mary Mix. He often orders a Virgin Mary (a Bloody Mary without the alcohol, or as some call it, a "Why Bother") because he likes spiced up tomato juice.  This one comes with a little horseradish in it, and it was sublime. It comes in a glass with a salted rim. They mix it up themselves.  The waitress said that she had mixed up this batch that very morning.  

Mary Mix

Attempt at Selfie with Burger Goes Horribly Wrong

The Impatient Chef understands that Dear Reader is unlikely to encounter this eatery in the wild, so this review may be the only exposure, but if you are in the area and you want to hear your Spousal Unit make yummy noises, or you want to make them yourself, stop on by and try the biscuits.  The Chicken Fried Steak is reported to be astounding, so get some of that too.  

A little about the Hood River Valley.  

The Little Butte That Could, Spring 2017

The Hood River Valley is only a valley inasmuch as it is between two mountains.  You have to drive up a long hill to get there.  That tells you a little about the terrain.  It is home to fruit orchards and the farmers who tend them.  Those orchards and their associated fruit stands make up the Hood River Fruit Loop.  The Impatient Chef wiled away many an hour gathering the bounty of those orchards when he lived there, and returns whenever possible.  

Drying Peppers at Draper Girls Farm

Tomatoes at Draper Girls Farm

Apples at Mountain View Orchards

Pears Hangin' Out in Odell, Oregon

Two of The Impatient Chef's favorite farm stands are Draper Girls, and Packer Orchards, but all of them are worth a visit.  Check out the Gorge White House while you are there, and stop by Wy'East Winery.  The Hood River Fruit Loop is a must see if you are in the area.  The farmers will be happy to see you.  You could tell them that The Impatient Chef sent you, but you would only confuse them.  

Thanks for reading!

--The Impatient Chef

Restaurant Review: The Baldwin Saloon

And on the seventh day God created fish and chips, and there was much rejoicing.  And God did say unto to the fry cook make them golden brown and crispy, not soggy or cakey.  The heavenly host seated customers on high, and the strumpets made cooing noises.  And then God spake, Go ye fry cooks and cut potatoes lengthwise, and baptize them in hot oil.  Get them not from the freezer.  Get them not from Food Services of Judea, lest ye be unto snail dung in my sight.  Fryeth them likewise to a golden brown, and resteth them with the fish upon the crinkly paper in the plastic basket.  God looked upon his lunch and sayeth he, Let there be tartar sauce.  Let it not be too sweet, or I shall afflict thee with a plague of hipsters.  Instead, with thy mayonnaise and relish, add lemon, and maybe dill, and a dash of the heavenly green Tabasco sauce, and thou shalt dwell in the kingdom of the lunch counter, on this, our greasy spoon of paradise.  

Amen.  

Which brings us to my first of many Fish & Chips reviews.  It just happens to also be about one of my most frequented Columbia Gorge restaurants: The Baldwin Saloon, in The Dalles, Oregon.  Despite my above remark about greasy spoons, this place is certainly not one.  The greasy spoons will be reviewed in later posts.  

When you walk into The Baldwin Saloon, you find a mixture of old western charm,...

Renee

... friendly staff, and...

Fine art

...a bar full of naked women - in paintings, of course.  

There is art throughout the saloon, starting with the ladies of the bar, and turning to western landscapes in the restaurant proper.  Other touches are a piano on a platform above the entrances to the restrooms, and a vintage cash register.  The bar has a brass rail.  How awesome is that?  Even more awesome is the occasional rumble of a Union Pacific train across the alley.  The floor vibrates a little.  I like trains, so this is a plus.  

The menu is extensive for an upscale restaurant.  Did I say "upscale"?  Yes, it's upscale for the Columbia Gorge, not for San Francisco or New York City.  The menu is decidedly American Cuisine, with some other traditions scattered in, from a Mediterranean Cobb Salad to the French influences Coquille St. Jaques.  

Today, we had an appetizer of oysters on the half shell.  Until just a couple of months ago, I had not had oysters thusly since I visited the Baltimore Inner Harbor in 1991.  There is something intrinsically, well... icky about raw oysters.  However, fresh oysters on the half shell, with a spritz of lemon, and a dollop of cocktail sauce (with enough horseradish to give it a zing) are surprisingly good.  These are excellent.  

Whenever I eat raw mollusks, I do it at the Baldwin.

Oh, the humanity!

The next course was clam chowder (notice a trend here?).  I have had varying levels of clam chowder throughout the west coast over the last almost thirty years.  The clam chowder a the Baldwin is on the high end of the scale.  It is creamy, and not slimy like many soups from a can that you can find at restaurants claiming to serve food made on the premises.  I had a particularly dreadful example this past winter at a Hood River steak house (which I won't name here) that had a decent flavor, but the texture was off (xanthan gum?), and IT WAS COLD!  The soup at the Baldwin was not cold.  It was Goldilocks just right.  

Next, we come to the Fish & Chips.  We had them split onto two plates, so what you see in the picture below is a half serving.  These fit all of the requirements in the opening paragraphs of this review.  The breading was light and crispy.  The fish was tender and delicious.  The fries were golden brown, and delightfully crispy.

I have two criticisms of the Fish & Chips.  1. I got a hint of strong cooking oil a few times.  2. The french fries went soggy after a few minutes.  Both of these were disappointments, but a little ketchup helped the fries along, and the tartar sauce minimized the oil taste in the fish.  I added a little lemon to it, and a dash of pepper.  All was not lost.  I will go back and try these Fish & Chips again to see if the issues I had repeat themselves, and I'll post an update.  

All in all, it was very good, despite the mixed results from the main course.  I have been a regular customer there for about 5 years now, and the quality keeps me coming back.  If you live in the area, or are just passing by The Dalles, Oregon, stop by for a good meal.

Gary L. Quay
Hood River, Oregon