The Impatient Chef Presents: Thanksgiving for Old Farts

Was this Trip Really Necessary?

In keeping with all of the websites and blogs that exploit Thanksgiving, The Impatient Chef offers a decidedly impatient entry into the glut of cooking advice currently coming out of your ears. While there is absolutely nothing new to what The Impatient Chef will serve to you here upon this platter of electrons dancing across your computer screen, there seems to be one niche woefully underserved by the masses of overstuffed advice being cooked up this holiday season: Cooking only what you need to.  

Case in Point: Pies. If you are an old fart like The Impatient Chef (and The Spousal Unit), and unless you really enjoy making pies, you will want someone else to make them. This doesn’t mean going down to the Safeway and buying some Betty Cracker nonsense. Remember, The Impatient Chef is all about good food. Unless you live in Themiddleofnowhereastan, there is most likely a local business, or at least a neighbor, that makes pies. Either would make you a better pie, or even a slice or two, better than the stupormarket.

This year, The Impatient Chef stopped in at Packer Orchards in Oregon’s Hood River Valley, and bought an apple pie, and a pumpkin pie. Both are made on the premises, and the fillings are made from produce grown either by them or by other local farmers. They were not cheap, but for two pies per year, it’s doable.

If you really want to bake the pies, farm out some of the rest of the meal. You don’t deserve to be cooking for two days, only to be deserted for a football game with a disaster in the kitchen. THIS WILL NOT STAND.

This diatribe is not about the recipes. The Impatient Chef does not care what you make, only about whether you have some of your day left over to enjoy with family. These recipes are suggestions for how to do things quickly, and yet still be yummy.  

Note for equipment being used: Despite decades of adherence to cast iron pans, The Impatient Chef has become a big fan of dishwashers. If you buy equipment, such as a multicooker, crockpot, air fryer, etc. and the innards you remove to wash are not dishwasher safe, return them immediately to the store. They are not saving you time and effort. Cast iron will always be on the stove, but everything else had better fit into the dishwasher.

Thanksgiving with the Impatient Chef 2024.

The Impatient Chef found a turkey breast at a natural food store, and a ham from a local butcher shop. An entire turkey is unnecessary. Last year, we bought a single turkey thigh. That gave us a meal, then turkey and gravy over bread the next day. 

The day before.

Salt the Turkey

The Impatient Chef spatchcocked the breast, and used about 2 tbsp of kosher salt to coat all sides. Use about 1 teaspoon per pound of bird.

That’s it. Pre-Thanksgiving prep work done.

Okay, if you must make cranberry relish, make that the day before too.

Cranberry Relish:

Ingredients: 

• 1 lb. fresh cranberries 
• 1 orange. 
• 1/2 cup walnuts 
• 3/4 cup sugar

Directions:

Peel half of the orange with a vegetable peeler or paring knife. You don’t want much of the rind underneath. Remove the rest of the rind, and throw it into the compost. Only half of the peel is required for the recipe. Cut the rest of the orange into chunks. 

Ready for Pulverization

Using a meat grinder with the medium to small holes, grind cranberries, orange rind, and walnuts into a bowl, preferably one that has a lid. The Impatient Chef uses a Kitchen Aid attachment. Add the sugar, and stir to combine. Put the lid on, and refrigerate overnight.

Note the Hole Sizes (If you can)

Relish the Relish

Thanksgiving Day.

Note on the ingredients: Your gathering size may require different amounts, so amounts will differ. This will feed up to 6.

Cooking on Thanksgiving:

Roast the pre-salted bird (or parts thereof): 

• Give yourself plenty of time. The Impatient Chef has spatchcocked a whole turkey on occasion to speed up the roasting. The great thing about this method is that you can mound up the stuffing in the pan about half way through cooking, along with some turkey broth, and place the spatchcocked turkey over top. Just keep the stuffing from drying out. There are other resources for cooking times for turkey, spatchcocked or not. Consult them for times.

Steam (or lightly piss off) one vegetable: 2 dismembered broccoli florets in our case, with olive oil drizzled over top when served.

Make mashed potatoes:

Ingredients:

• 1lb. cubed Yukon Gold potatoes 
• 4 tbsp butter (The Impatient Chef does not care if it is salted or unsalted) 
• 1/2 cup whole milk (2% or skim may be substituted, but you will have to add more butter to make the potatoes properly creamy) 
• Salt and ground white pepper to taste 

Directions:

• You know how to make mashed potatoes. Don’t make The Impatient Chef come over there. 

Make the Stuffing (The Impatient Chef does not call it “dressing” because he does not put it on a salad):

Get Stuffed

Ingredients:

• 24 oz cubed bread, toasted if you can get it. (This recipe will work with as little as 16 oz)
• 1 stalk of celery, chopped 
• A few sprigs of fresh sage (or dried if that is what you have), chopped, about 1.5 tbsp. 
• 1 tsp fresh savory, chopped (optional).  Dry can be used as well.
• 1 small onion, diced
• 2 cups turkey (or chicken) broth 
• Salt and ground black pepper to taste 
• 4 tbsp butter

Directions:

An optional, but useful, step is to grind the herbs in a mortar and pestle until they are well-bruised.

Herbs Having a Bad Day

In a 2 qt. sauce pan, over medium heat, sauté the onion and celery in the butter until the onions are translucent and fragrant.  Add the herbs, and sauté for an additional minute.  Add the broth and the salt and pepper.  Bring to a boil.  Simmer for 1 minute to join the flavors in holy matrimony, and then remove from heat.  Allow it to cool before adding to the bread cubes.  This is the decidedly non-impatient portion of the meal, but you can do it early in the day, and allow it to cool in the refrigerator.   

Reserve 1/2 cup of the broth for insurance purposes - insurance against dryness.  Drizzle the rest of broth (with the onion, celery and herbs) over the bread cubes.  Toss the bread cubes to moisten them, take a small sip of your martini, and then either ram this stuff into the poor bird, bake it in a separate, covered baking pan, or place the spatchcocked turkey over it about half way through roasting.  Just remember to add the broth mixture within a few minutes of baking.  The Impatient Chef doesn’t care which method you use.  Just make sure that it is not dry by the end.  Use the reserved liquid as necessary during the baking process.  If not needed, you can use it in the gravy.  

Gravy.

You can do this.  

You can use pan drippings if you have them, or turkey broth from bouillons or bases.  You can use a combination of drippings and broths.  Deglazing a baking pan to get the yum off of the bottom is truly a rewarding experience, as long as what is there is not a bunch of mush.  The Impatient Chef likes Penseys Spices Turkey Base.  You will want a minimum of 4 cups of gravy to slather over everything.  

For Gravy, The Impatient Chef's method is to double the roux.  When he was attending the cookin' school way back in the Dawn of Time, he learned that the butter to flour ratio was not set in concrete, like, say, one's feet are before being tossed into the drink by the mob.  The Impatient Chef is looking for a consistency, not a ratio.  Start with 1.5 tablespoons of butter for each cup of liquid, and the add two tablespoons of flour for each tablespoon of butter.  A little more butter can be added if it is too dry.  It should form mounds in the pan, but not be crumbly.  There should be enough butter for the roux to spread out slightly after stirring.  The standard roux is thinner, but this one works, and uses less butter.  

The Impatient Chef makes roux in a separate pan so that he can heat up the broth while it is rouxing (Yes.  That word is made up).  The roux is then added to the sauce pan with the gravy, and whisked in.  

So, on low heat, melt the butter.  When it is melted, add the four and stir.  Check consistency, and adjust, then stir continuously until the roux gets shiny on top, spreads out easily, and is past its curdled looking stage.  If you see it browning on the bottom, turn down the heat.  If you are using an electric stove, God help you.  Unless it's induction.  If you are using the proper temperature, it should take about 5 minutes to make the roux.  

TheStages of Roux

Add to the broth, and whisk.  Bring to a boil to thicken.  

 Serving.

Line 'em up and move 'em out.  

The Meal is Served

The broccoli had to go into a separate bowl because there was no room on the plate. That's Thanksgiving for you.

Conclusion:

The Impatient Chef has been cooking on Thanksgiving since the 1980's, and has plenty of experience in what to do, and what not to do (for God's Sake, don't deep fry a duck).  The Impatient Chef learns from his mistakes.  Many of those mistakes involve never actually sitting down with folks at the table except for during the meal.  With age, we humans are less Red Bull, and more Milk of Magnesia.  We have less energy.  Using it for the important parts of a day with family may or may not include being in the kitchen all day.  If you love making the big meal, and then cleaning it up after, have at it.  Do it with gusto.  But, if you don't, and really want to tell everyone that you want to sip tea with them in the living room instead of making a 10-course meal plus desserts, you have The Impatient Chef's blessing.  

The Impatient Chef hopes this was enlightening, or at least gives you the wherewithal to tell the relatives that you get some time out of the kitchen too, dammit! If they don’t like it, make them cook next year. You can go hit a nice Chinese restaurant instead.  

Thanks for reading!

--The Impatient Chef

The Impatient Chef Presents: The Ultimate Chili Dog

Once upon a time, there was a hot dog and ice cream joint in Cascade Locks, Oregon called Locks of Dogs and Treats.  The Impatient Chef reviewed them back in 2018.  While the name was a tad silly, the food was revelatory in its simplicity and yum factor.  Unfortunately, they did not make it through the pandemic, so the only way to have one of their loaded chili dogs was to recreate it.  

The Dog Lives!

Please note: The Impatient Chef is comforted greatly by comfort food, and as mentioned before, is impatient. This recipe puts those two ingredients together, and throws in some Southern charm to come up with what is basically a Frito Pie on a hot dog.

The object was to get as close to the taste I remember, and, here's the key, do it impatiently.  

Here goes:  

Serves 4.

Ingredients:

• 3 cans of the chili you like the most.   This recipe uses canned chili.  Deal with it.  
• 4 Hebrew National Beef Kosher Hot Dogs
• Grated cheddar 
• Grated pepper jack
• Fritos
• Sliced Jalapeños 
• 3 standard sized hot dogs, sliced (if necessary)
• Hot dog buns 

Equipment:

• A crockpot
• Paper serving dishes 

Directions:

A few hours before you want to serve, put the chili in the crockpot, and add the hot dogs.  The second time The Impatient Chef frequented Locks of Dogs and Treats, he noticed a touch of genius in the chili: small slices of hot dogs.  To recreate this, if your chili does not have sliced dogs in it, slice the 3 standard sized hot dogs somewhat thinly, no more than 1/4" thick.  Add them to the crockpot, and stir them in.  

The Impatient Chef uses an older one with three settings: off, low, and high.  Use high, or the equivalent on yours.  Stir occasionally.  No burning allowed.  

When the chili and dogs are hot through and through (remember, these are large hot dogs, so it will take longer to heat them), prepare your other ingredients.  

Grate the cheeses and mix them together in a bowl.  There are no amounts given because you can use as much (to a point) or as little as you want.  Slice the Jalepeños.  The Impatient Chef used whole pickled jalapeños from a Mexican grocery store, and sliced them.  You can use pre-sliced jalapeños if you want.  The Impatient Chef prefers Mezzetta Sliced Hot Jalapeños.  

The Other Ones

Serve.  

The Impatient Chef gritted his teeth on this one:  Use rectangle paper food trays, the kind with red and white checkers on the bottom, unless you have rectangular dishes of the right size.  

The Impatient Chef Models the Tray in the Back Yard

First, open the bun wide (say ah), and insert the dog. Note the correctly sized slice of hot dog that tagged along with its larger cousin.

The Dog at Rest

Next, ladle the chili liberally over the dog.  You want to cover the whole bun, and some should slop over the sides into the tray.  Don't skimp.  Then, throw on a mitten full of cheese, some Fritos, and about 10 Jalapeño slices.  

The Real McCoy at Locks of Dogs and Treats from 2018

Eat.  

You deserve it.

The Impatient Chef

The Impatient Chef Can't Sit Still at Uncle Earl's BBQ Bistro

Uncle Earl's Cart

There’s a food cart pod just off of SE 82nd Ave in Portland, Oregon. A side street called SE Lafayette heads off at a right angle just before SE Powell Blvd heading north. The Impatient Chef happened to see it on my way home from Pensey’s Spices and a restaurant supply store where he bought a cast iron tortilla press. Tacos may ensue. The cart pod, called Collective Oregon Eateries, seemed inviting enough, so The Impatient Chef parked, and got out of the car. That’s when the sweet smell of smoked BBQ hit him. That smell is hard to resist, so The Impatient Chef made a bee line to the source, which is Uncle Earl’s BBQ Bistro. 

Uncle Earl gave me a wave when The Impatient Chef took a picture (above) of his cart to send it the Spousal Unit to let her know that there was BBQ afoot. She was agreeable, so The Impatient Chef ordered. Brisket was the obvious starting place. Brisket is key to knowing whether a BBQ joint knows its business. Rounding out the meal were pulled pork, and a half a chicken. Our sides were mac and cheese, and corn bread muffins. 

The Menu

  After a ten minute wait, The Impatient Chef had a bag of BBQ to take home. 

Which The Impatient Chef did. 

This is where it gets complicated. Fear not. The outcome was satisfying.

The Impatient Chef doesn’t answer phone calls while driving, yet Uncle Earl tried to call to say that he had forgotten the pulled pork. The voicemail was waiting once ensconced in the garage.  Arrangements were made arrangements to pick it up later.

So, missing the pulled pork, we dove in.    

The Impatient Chef has taken better pictures than this

The Brisket.

Cut-it-with-a-fork tender, juicy, and smokey, it really was the star of the show. There is no doubt that Uncle Earl knows brisket inside and out. There really is not much more to say about it. Gather your best superlatives in a basket and fling them at it. See what sticks.

The Chicken.

Chicken is a demanding bird. Prone to dryness, and yet hard to cook all the way through without becoming dry, it’s easy to cluck it up. This chicken was midrange moist, but not dry. The rub was nicely spiced with a satisfying amount of smoke, and it went well with the BBQ sauce provided.

Mac and Cheese.

Much better than The Impatient Chef has gotten from other BBQ places. It is not an afterthought. It even has a little smoke to it. It is not the gloppy style. The macaroni had a good coating, enough to hold everything together, but not too much. Some types of mac an cheese demand a lot of sauce, but The Impatient Chef thinks that Uncle Earl’s would suffer from too much. It has a fairly intense flavor. Too much sauce could overpower the noodles. 

Corn Bread Muffins

Corn bread tends to be dry, and this was no exception. It was, however, moister than most, and The Impatient Chef could eat it without butter or honey. In the South, there is a distinction between corn bread and what is derisively called “Johnny Cake”, which is dry and requires copious amounts of butter to make it palatable. This was not Johnny Cake. Lighter in color than many an inedible corn bread muffin that The Impatient Chef has had in the past (Yes, The Impatient Chef is talking to you, Black Bear Diner), it had a fresh, corny (not corn-mealy) flavor, with what looks like a small amount of diced red peppers inside. 

Pulled Pork.

After finishing the meal, we drove back out to the cart to pick up the pulled pork. The Impatient Chef knows that mistakes happen, but Uncle Earl wasn’t giving himself any slack. He apologized a number of times, and threw in some ribs to sweeten the deal. Like the brisket, the pulled pork was a masterwork of smoked meats. Tender and juicy with all the appropriate superlatives flung at it, it shines brightly between the teeth. 

Ribs

The bonus ribs were likewise excellent. Not wanting to be too repetitious, The Impatient Chef will leave it at that. 

If you are in the area, follow your nose from 82nd and Lafayette Street, and settle in for some excellent BBQ. Try not to notice the self-inflicted boot print on Uncle Earl’s back side. He won’t be forgetting your pulled pork.

Thanks for reading! 

The Impatient Chef