The Impatient Chef Makes Light of a Vodka Commercial

     I heard a sponsor message on Public Radio today about a vodka that was “filtered through  volcanic rock” among other high-nosed descriptions.  I had a good laugh, and decided to kick it up a notch.  

     And, so, I present to you a fictional commercial for the non-existent Bumptious Vodka. 

     "At Bumptious Vodka, we distill our vodka from water lovingly ladled from Pacific Northwest mountain salmon streams by virgins clad in genuine divine light emanating from their pure, nubile bodies, and ferment the finest potatoes grown from seeds saved by Irish farmers during the Potato Famine.  We then filter our vodka through cruelty-free, and willingly donated Sasquatch hair, and bottle it in ancient genie decanters.  Our distillers work tirelessly to remove even the slightest trace of flavor, and so our spirit has been branded by the gods who will watch your party from Mount Olympus, and suggest some very fine cocktail recipes.  It’s the only vodka awarded every gold medal in the known universe, including the sought-after Universal Best in Class Prize from the Andromeda Galaxy Tieoneon Society.  Our vodka even guarantees that you will get laid if you spike the punch at the office party.  Bumptious Vodka is so clean and crisp that you won’t know which is the water glass until you are gifted your very own artisanal hangover the next morning.  So, the next time you reach for a spirit that won’t stand out from your pomegranate juice, but will still make you feel like you spent a million dollars, reach for Bumptious Vodka."